BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
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God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
I am, perchance
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.