BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
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Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Good dog. ❤️
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?