[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
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“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer