him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
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I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.