You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
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I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.