Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
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just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika