Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
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Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.