Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
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The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip