“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
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My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Lassie, get help!
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies