I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
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CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Damn what did I do next
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian