Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
You Might Also Like
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Nomnomnomnom
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave