Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
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[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.