Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
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It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.