@cathisamazing: Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
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@iwearaonesie: 9: The remote isn't working me: Did you smack it? 9: Yep me: Did you push the button down really hard? 9: Yep me: Well I'm out of ideas
@DamienFahey: Please pray for my friends' 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn't photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
@AndyRichter: Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. "Good Lord!" he says. "His burrito levels are off the charts!" - from my autopsy
@BuckyIsotope: Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased