@cathisamazing: Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
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@sofarrsogud: Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom. Now she's more like a possum. She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
@sofarrsogud: ZOO BOSS: You're fired! ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife? BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
@Tylerosis: Let's do something we both know we'll regret in the morning. Let's order KFC for dinner.
@HughGoesThere: Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure. Me: No. This is my family now. ZK: They don't actually eat marbles. Me: I'm coming out.