Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
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Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?