@SwedishCanary: Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven't met yet.
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@Jake_Vig: ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and... SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
@TheBoydP: Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field. Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
@slimmy_shady: My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
@TheWadest: Somewhere, a ninja watches "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant." An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. "Damn right you didn't."