Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
You Might Also Like
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
If you love someone, let them sleep.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.