My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
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contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
😂😂
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you