Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
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The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.