A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
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If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?