Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
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Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.