Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
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Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no