One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
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Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.