Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
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Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
A friend helps you before you need it
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal