[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
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May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”