People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
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There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic