Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
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me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
“TGIM!” – My liver
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
this could fix me
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.