Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
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Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.