Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
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50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
just make the entire table out of coaster
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.