Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
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*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.