{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
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“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
*checks Timeline*…
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
HOW DARE YOU
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.