Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
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I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
So sick of all these stupid rules
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume