Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
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West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.