[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
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Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government