[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
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Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea