Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
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[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.