Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
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The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.