My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
You Might Also Like
Just say no
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
My blood type is b hungry.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
This is the best one I’ve seen
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.