[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
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Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Cause of death: Zumba
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
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🦝🔥🦝🔥
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.