[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
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Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Who does Amazon think I am?
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.