Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
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Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are