By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
You Might Also Like
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!