When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
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Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.