they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
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[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.