My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
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Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i鈥檇 love it
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Absolute genius if you ask me 馃憣馃ぃ
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce