“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
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There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms