Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
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My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?