If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
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Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD