Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
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I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
You know what鈥檚 worse than someone鈥檚 phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
my fianc茅 and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we鈥檙e going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don鈥檛 have kids
it can鈥檛 have done Tiny Tim鈥檚 confidence much good, his parents calling him that
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God鈥檚 plan for us and I don鈥檛 think we鈥檙e going back to church anymore.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Doctor: I鈥檓 afraid you鈥檝e got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don鈥檛 know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Him: I鈥檓 a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I鈥檓 a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That鈥檚 really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what鈥檚 their favorite season and he said garlic powder 馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶
yeah but what if it 饾椂饾榾 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn鈥檛 like 饾槅饾椉饾槀
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
I was once told that if you can鈥檛 say anything nice, don鈥檛 say anything at all. Due to this,I鈥檝e been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I鈥檓 stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.