Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
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Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.