Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
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Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life