Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
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me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
im all 3
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
it be like that
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.